Vicious cycles--the decisions we make and the consequences that follow. Some pull us deeper and some, while allowing us to get to the surface and breathe, steal a bit of our sensibility, pulling us back deeper. Other decisions are like hammers that conk us in the head or haul our sorry asses through asphalt. But after that, the hauling and the banging of the head, it feels good to hear nothing but the whirring of tiny screws in our heads.

Every time we start a new job or a relationship or a hobby, we always wish that this is it. Finally, after the crashes that left us unscathed but a little bit crazy, there's this thing that we look forward to; then we start making long-tem plans. After a while, the 'this is it' feeling mellows from intense to a whimper to a mere blip. We ask, is this it? Is this all there is? Then we blindly jump into nothingness, and strangely, instead for feeling lost, the feeling comes back. Living, hurting, terrified, but sure.