stark

2010-07-03T05:20:00.001-07:00

Maybe I need a new address.

http://bluesie.tumblr.com/

Tug

2010-03-16T07:25:00.001-07:00

It’s like drinking San Miguel Light the morning after downing a bottle of tequila. Bitter, nasty, and goes straight right where your Hippocampus used to be. My friends used to say it still pays off to be pakipot. I never had the chance to be pakipot. I’m more of a hide-and-seek player. This is karma.

hay naku

2009-12-28T23:40:00.000-08:00

Smack

2009-08-25T01:34:00.000-07:00

Eight years, that’s how long it took to affirm one of my biggest fears—that you’re still that feeling I get when I stop hitting the punching bag without gloves. Part of me wants to give you the proper goodbye hug, turn around, and never look back. Part of me wants to believe that there’s still something worth saving somewhere. In the meantime, I’ll remain still until someone smacks sense into my head.

Yellow Monday

2009-08-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

Sa Ayala Avenue, naglabasan ang mga empleyado. Kebs sa init ng araw, kebs sa santambak na trabaho at deadline. Yesterday, Cory passed by Ayala Avenue one last time.

2009-07-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

Salamat, Cory.

To ashes

2009-07-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

I was in college when I first read Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes. I didn't know childhood pain but I could almost smell the boiled onions.

People everywhere brag and whimper about the woes of their early years, but nothing can compare with the Irish version: the poverty; the shiftless loquacious alcoholic father; the pious defeated mother moaning by the fire; pompous priests; bullying schoolmasters; the English and the terrible things they did to us for eight hundred long years. Above all – we were wet. Out in the Atlantic Ocean great sheets of rain gathered to drift slowly up the River Shannon and settle forever in Limerick.

The rain dampened the city from the Feast of the Circumcision to New Year's Eve. It created a cacophony of hacking coughs, bronchial rattles, asthmatic wheezes, consumptive croaks. It turned noses into fountains, lungs into bacterial sponges.

It provoked cures galore; to ease the catarrh you boiled onions in milk blackened with pepper; for the congested passages you made a paste of boiled flour and nettles, wrapped it in a rag, and slapped it, sizzling, on the chest."

musings

2009-07-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

Most people tend to judge you more based on what you don't do than on what you do
Bakit di ka na lang mag-abroad?
Bakit di ka pa nag-aasawa?
Bakit hindi ka dito dumaan? Mas maayos ang kalsada dito.
Bakit diyan ka pa rin nakatira?

Most people find it easier to forgive people for being wrong than for being right

If you're the quiet type, most people would assume you really have nothing to say

2009-07-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

My addiction to second-hand books resulted in chaos (I still can't find the damn jewelry box) and a cold. Dust and dead skin cells accumulated on heaps of books, most of which haven't been read. I can hear Yukio Mishima cursing beneath those paperbacks.

Nood na lang ako ng House

2009-06-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

I believe in karma. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in fate. And I also believe that you don't have to wait for anyone or anything.

Nasa timing lang yan .

Bohol ulit

2009-06-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Left my digicam at home so I had to use my dependable, 9-year-old film SLR
Bohol's charming, but

*Canon EOS 88 film camera

Con-ass, gets?

2009-06-10T17:13:00.001-07:00

dun sa bohol

2009-06-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Terazza de Mariveles, behind the Dauis Church Convent

Baclayon Church pipe organ

Pamilacan island

Pamilacan island

Handumanan, a store that sells Dauisanon and Boholano products

Salamat kay Jaime para sa mga litrato

brouhaha

2009-06-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

vision
mission
at the end of the day
apparently
basically
reason for our being
concrete targets
beyond conventions
lasting partnership
innovative strategies
take up the challenge
move forward
seize the day

hay

2009-05-26T07:39:00.018-07:00

And the boy said, "You don't have to fix me."
"I'm not your mother," she said. If I want to fix something, I could have started with the coffee maker.
"I just have this feeling you want to change who I am, that's all."
You feel too much.
"Are we still good?"
Kill me now please.

Nothing

2009-05-11T05:35:00.001-07:00

No Caramoan. No approving looks. No sympathetic smiles. No childlike grins and silly jokes. No summer dresses and sunblocks and buri hats and cute souvenirs and sunburned skin and memories. Only dark clouds, broken umbrellas, damp socks, and packed dinner.

No gumamela tucked behind the ear, no guitars and bonfires and Buklod and Gwen Stefani songs. Nothing. Everything is gray and dull and sad. Much like most of my 30 summers.

sabi ni pc

2009-04-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

Change.
But start slowly, because direction is more important than speed.
Sit in another chair, on the other side of the table.

Later on, change tables.
When you go out, try to walk on the other side of the street. Then change your route, walk calmly down other streets, observing closely the places you pass by.
Take other buses. Change your wardrobe for a while; give away your old shoes and try to walk barefoot for a few days - even if only at home.

Take off a whole afternoon to stroll about freely, listening to the birds or the noise of the cars.
Open and shut the drawers and doors with your left hand.
Sleep on the other side of the bed. Then try sleeping in other beds.
Watch other TV programs, read other books, live other romances - even of only in your imagination.

Sleep until later. Go to bed earlier.
Learn a new word a day.
Eat a little less, eat a little more, eat differently; choose new seasonings, new colors, things you have never dared to experiment.
Lunch in other places, go to other restaurants, order another kind of drink and buy bread at another bakery.
Lunch earlier, have dinner later, or vice-versa.
Try something new every day: a new side, a new method, a new flavor, a new way, a new pleasure, a new position.

Pick another market, another make of soap, another toothpaste.
Take a bath at different times of the day.
Use pens with different colors.
Go and visit other places.

Love more and more and in different ways. Even when you think that the other will be frightened, suggest what you have always dreamed about doing when you make love.
Change your bag, your wallet, your suitcases, buy new glasses, write other poems.
Open an account in another bank, go to other cinemas, other hairdressers, other theaters, visit new museums.

Change. And think seriously of finding another job, another activity, work that is more like what you expect from life, more dignified, more human.

If you cannot find reasons to be free, invent them: be creative.
And grab the chance to take a long, enjoyable trip - preferably without any destination.

Try new things. Change again. Make another change. Experiment something else.
You will certainly know better things and worse things than those you already know, but that does not matter. What matters most is change, movement, dynamism, energy.
Only what is dead does not change - and you are alive.

-paulo coelho-

2 tasang kape

2009-03-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

Kahit kelan hindi pa ako pinag-timpla ng kape ng kahit sino. Kalungkot naman.

Here’s the top 10 fictional coffee scenes from The Guardian.

An excerpt from Robert Bolaño’s The Savage Detectives.

DECEMBER 16
I'm sick for real. Rosario is making me stay in bed. Before she left for work she went out to borrow a thermos from a neighbour and she left me half a litre of coffee. Also four aspirin. I have a fever. I've started and finished two poems.

2009-03-16T18:15:00.001-07:00

random

2009-03-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

Indugences

2009-03-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

How do you quantify forgiveness?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/10/nyregion/10indulgence.html?pagewanted=1

2009-02-25T23:30:00.000-08:00

There is a thin line between diplomacy and sarcasm. And that grey area is becoming an art.

2009-02-12T02:10:00.000-08:00

Pag sinabi kong 'it's not you, it's me,' literal yun. Some girls really mean what they say and I'm one of those.

Back to the lab

2008-10-01T04:20:00.000-07:00

After weeks of drowning in freelance gigs and reading every book that I can get my hands on, I turned myself in and gave up. Tomorrow I rejoin the world of the 9 to 5 people. This should be interesting. I decided that I should veer away from work that requires me to sigh every 30 minutes and restrain myself from verbally abusing someone. I will miss being a bum, waking up after lunch and doing the laundry every other day. Hay.

roller coaster reads

2008-07-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

2008-07-12T05:20:00.000-07:00

Vicious cycles--the decisions we make and the consequences that follow. Some pull us deeper and some, while allowing us to get to the surface and breathe, steal a bit of our sensibility, pulling us back deeper. Other decisions are like hammers that conk us in the head or haul our sorry asses through asphalt. But after that, the hauling and the banging of the head, it feels good to hear nothing but the whirring of tiny screws in our heads.

Every time we start a new job or a relationship or a hobby, we always wish that this is it. Finally, after the crashes that left us unscathed but a little bit crazy, there's this thing that we look forward to; then we start making long-tem plans. After a while, the 'this is it' feeling mellows from intense to a whimper to a mere blip. We ask, is this it? Is this all there is? Then we blindly jump into nothingness, and strangely, instead for feeling lost, the feeling comes back. Living, hurting, terrified, but sure.

more of coron

2008-07-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

Lonely people

2008-07-04T04:09:00.000-07:00

Lonely people do not sulk. They are articulate, most dress well, and from their tongue are shards of glass. They smile a lot, and the planners that they take with them anywhere are overflowing with post-its and invites. They visit their dentists regularly and they eat the right kind of food. They don't know what beer tastes like, they frown upon sisig and bopis. At night, they crawl to bed, occupy a small part of it, stare at the phone for a few minutes, and hug themselves to sleep.

head first

2008-06-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Kumusta naman. Just resigned from my job without a plan B. It's like I'm going through adolescence again--clueless and reckless, and making decisions based on whatever. All I have are my camera, my Moleskine, a huge sketchbook with half a dozen watercolor aberrant still lifes, and slipping sanity. I haven't even started sending out resumes. This ain't quarter-life crisis anymore. Am I actually enjoying this phase?

sigh

2008-05-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

my life ain't that colorful, i'm not very good at writing about me and my thoughts, aspirations and dark secrets. a bit of drama here and there, dull episodes most of the time, the things i see and hear and experience are all in 700-word short stories that i hope will get published someday. i'm not a shiny happy giddy person, but i believe.

417

2008-04-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

moleskine whatever

2008-04-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

Jolts

2008-02-17T04:04:00.000-08:00

I am in my late 20s and I believe I belong to the complacent generation, whose only drive is to earn money and live a comfortable lifestyle. While I know some colleagues who do volunteer work, work for a lot less than they’re worth for a cause that they fully believe in, and spend weekends in an orphanage, a great number of people in my age bracket seem to be happy that they’re getting what they want and doing what they want to do. Maybe it’s the lack of cause—we’re not challenged enough because life is so comfortable, why get up, question things and events and do something about it. Every now and then we get a jolt, like the Hello Garci and the ZTE scandal, news of wars and genocides and poverty driving people to suicide. We watch Live Aids and Bono and believe we’ve done something significant. Maybe we need more than a kick in the teeth.

weekend in cubao

2008-01-26T08:51:00.001-08:00

Not used to this anymore. Waking up late and thinking where to go on a Saturday afternoon while waiting for the coffee to go cold. Sister and I explored Marikina Shoe Expo's antique haunts (?! hmmm) and had pizza and pasta at Bellini's. Then went home to N.Ecija. Perfect.

Mga tanong

2008-01-04T03:21:00.000-08:00

Kumusta na? Kaya pa ba? Hindi ka pa naman tinatamaan ng matinding kalungkutan dahil hindi ka na masyadong nasisikatan ng araw? Pumuti ka na ba? Ano na ba ang moisturizer mo ngayon? Naalala mo nung nag-resign ka sa pagtuturo at nais mong magtrabaho sa isang publishing company at maging isang book editor? Book editor ka na ba? Masaya ka ba sa trabaho mo? Kaya mo bang iwan ang trabaho mo ngayon para sa isang ambisyong di mo alam kung masusuportahan ang lifestyle mo ngayon?

Bagong taon na. Ano'ng balak mo?

What a year

2007-12-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

Unexpected shitty things happened. I felt like 2007 was the year I had to start all over, I lost trust on people I've known for a long while, and was wrong about the people I judged harshly. I had to leave my old job for the Bank, had to work on a graveyard shift and survived, saw meself investing on real properties. Wow. And now I'm moving in to a flat with my sister, having my own kitchen, my own bathroom and closet space. And I started doing yoga and saw the beach for the first time in 100 years! Salamat.

christmas musings

2007-12-24T07:44:00.000-08:00

I love the days leading to Christmas Day. Friends hugging you back, gifts and more hugs, sincere greetings and warm wishes. However, I hated Christmas Day as long as I can remember. Because every Christmas Day, people I don’t even know show up in front of the gate, act as if they know me and my family. I dislike these people because they only remember my mother and father every Christmas. I see them once a year, every Christmas, they bring with them kids who kiss my mother’s and father’s hands like they’re all my parents’ godchildren. They ask questions, pry, talk nonsense, ask about our jobs - more than enough to send me and my siblings upstairs in our rooms, holed up until the guests leave.

This afternoon, while opening countless bottles of mayonnaise, my mother told me that when she was a little girl, no one would give her gifts. They were so poor that my grandmother would spend Christmas Day in Divisoria, selling goods. My mother would be turned away by her own relatives and her own godmother doesn’t give her gifts. Every Christmas Day, she would welcome people, give them gifts and feed them, listen to their stories, gossip. She’s giving them the kind of Christmas she missed when she was a child. The kind of Christmas she and my father made sure their children never missed. I am thankful. This has been a year full of difficult decisions and tearful goodbyes and uncertain beginnings. Nevertheless, it’s been blessed with wonderful surprises. Merry Christmas everyone!

Missing Halloween

2007-11-01T23:21:00.000-07:00

Looked like Tinkerbell and Peter Pan got in on in the girls' powder room and spawned two dozens of lookalikes and minions last night. I was working and they were having a party downstairs. I wanted to be useful and besides, I hate parties that require guests to be ugly.

I almost had a heart attack when I saw two girls helping a third girl fit into a pair of leggings that is actually intended for a five year old. Ah, where was I every Halloween? I was in the house preparing flower arrangements for my two lolas, a lolo and a great grandmother. Between trick or treating and buying, sorting and preparing flower baskets for my dear dead relatives, I'd rather do the latter even if it takes me two hours to haggle and another two hours to navigate the maze they call the public market.

Two weeks

2007-10-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

My shift just ended four hours ago and I still feel raw. It's been two weeks and I've been reeling in from the transfer from the factory to the Bank. Nanibago ako. Kung dati ay ngarag at di magkamayaw pag upo ko pa lang sa workstation, ngayon para akong gumagalaw sa tubig. I felt like a first-time OFW. Trying to blend in in a strange and totally new kind of universe and exist in total silence, unnoticed.

lunch alone

2007-09-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

My tear ducts remained stubborn until after my officemates and friends at the factory sang happy birthday and gave me a special scrapbook and treats. I rarely show my emotional side, not even to my mother, and I hate saying goodbye. I know I sometimes blame the work at the factory for my stunted getting the thesis done and finishing my MA in Journalism in two years ambition and I haven't done much painting and writing. But the time I spent there enriched my people skills, gained me friends, sisters and brothers and surrogate moms, widened my perspectives and helped me appreciate life and career more. Time there was not wasted and I will be forever thankful because I know they love me and I love them and will miss them. This morning my tear ducts gave up and tears flowed freely while I was reading the notes in the scrapbook. Tomorrow I will realize how much I gave up and how much I could gain. I better learn how to prepare decent sandwiches. I might be having lunch alone for a couple of weeks over at the new work place.

five miles from here

2007-07-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

that's the new title of a short story in progress. The first few paragraphs were written in several pieces of Starbucks napkins. You can say I was inspired by Esquire's Napkin Fiction Project. The next few lines were written on several company stationeries. They are all stapled together in my planner and now it is heavy and bulky, like about 50 pages were added because of the staple wires. I should really buy me a sturdy notebook.

That's also what inspired me to hike back to beloved Elbi and attend my org's painting sessions. Sketches are a bit blurred.

2007-06-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

I enrolled in a gym last week because I need to lose a few kilos. I cannot let my relatives deplore how fat I am (we’ll be in cousin’s wedding next month) and how they wish I’d get married because I’m not getting any younger, this based on the statistic that my cousins all got married between 19 and 23. By their standards, manang na manang na ako. Like excess weight and being single is correlated. I’ve been huffing and puffing at the gym for four days now and I’ve lost 2lbs. This without dinner and rice and chocolate. The boyf was supportive, going on a diet himself, which was sweet. Now I have one month to lose some fat and fit into something respectable and formal.

Mulling over what torture to expect from the gym’s fitness coach this afternoon, I tuned in to a local radio and heard Joss Stone’s cover version of Queen’s “Under Pressure.” Ack! I was so disappointed at how she turned out. I loved her first two albums and I think the third album was just too lousy and pop. I hope someone steers her to the right direction, or smacks her back to her senses.

2007-06-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

I have been whining and this is what I got. Several companies called, out of nowhere. Offers, promises, stuff that could make me dream and scheme and wish I didn't whine a lot. A girl can only hold out for so long. Suddenly I'm all confused, is this what I really, really want? Oh dear.

half filled

2007-05-22T04:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about Grey's Anatomy, but I could watch five straight episodes in one night and watch the same five episodes the day after until every line and scene wears me out. Sure it's sometimes mushy and male friends claim they'd choose House over Grey any time, but the way it portrays women (vulnerable and ambitious and crazy) always amazes me.

"There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual. And depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more."

My glass is does not contain water, it contains homogenous mixtures and dreams and achievements, and it's not filled, yet.

Breathe

2007-05-21T05:27:00.000-07:00

I've been listerning to Corrine Bailey Rae for two days now. The thing is I used to hate jazz and worshipped Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain and the whole underground alternative music thingie. I dyed my hair purple and green (not at the same time though). Did all that angst-ridden rant and went all poetic about pain and boys. Then Eraserheads happened, I left college, joined the workforce and paid my due to this country and its people who subsidized my tertiary education. I grew up, discovered that the world does not stop turning everytime I switch careers or get my heart broken. Then I became a corporate zombie, a foot soldier, and I was disappointed but after weeks of trying to look for someone to blame I learned to take small steps instead on strides. Instead of rushing into things that I'd probably regret doing or trying to do several things at the same time, I might as well stop, take deep breaths and look beyond making five-year or 10-year plans. I'm loving this shift so far. It helps me think clearly, including the next moves I have to make --- my career, my thesis/internship, my responsibilities as a daughter and a sister. I think I'll arrange my books (gathering dust since I moved to a new studio a month ago) tonight.

Ho-hum and then some

2007-05-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

Ah. There is still something to look forward to even though I’m treading into unknown territories and staring at a blank future. Beloved thesis adviser, who I think has gone sick of advising me, suggested I just take internship at an international NGO for a few months. Oo nga naman, instead of researching, inventing and imagining, and writing a 150-page manuscript that probably only about three people would care to read, I might as well try my skills on helping end poverty and hunger. The thing is would the factory allow me? Basta, sana wag nila akong papiliin.

Besides that possibly probably hopefully exciting internship, I have several more treats to look forward to in H2 2007.

Wong Kar Wai’s My Blueberry Nights. It stars Norah Jones, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman and the pretty Jude Law
Transformers and the final installment of the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy
Harry Potter Book 7
Palawan adventure with sis
Baguio and La Union
Three watercolor works waiting to be framed, and an unfinished oil painting. I think maybe I should give up oils and just focus on watercolors.
Tori Amos' American Doll Posse

This is a good thing, right?

2007-05-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

TI to invest $1B in new Philippines assembly, test plant

Texas Instruments is a behemoth in the electronic components and semiconductors industry. It is the backbone of probably most of the consumer electronics devices in the market. This is good news for the Philippines, right? Our engineers don't have to look for lucrative jobs abroad and job shortage would ease a bit. Unless the company plans to hire foreigners who demand expat fees. Then that would be very disappointing.

2007-05-02T23:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t like feeling helpless, but I think a lot of people need to be hugged today including me.

2007-05-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

I hate it when I’m kept in the dark, like I’m incompetent and useless. I feel like taking the rest of the day off and just wander aimlessly in a mall. That’s what my life’s been like these days anyway. Mga daang walang patutunguhan, hindi kaya dahil mali ang direksyon, hindi maganda ang daan o talagang tanga ang naglalakbay? My sense of direction has never been questioned. Now I have doubts and ideas are overflowing inside my head they’re morphing into bits of ice and rocks.

2007-04-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

Someday publishing people will pay me molto molto royalties just to get my 23-page short novel into bookstores and book fairs and they will kill for a first edition of my first collection of poems. But right now I have to toil and be a good editor and act like what I have in front of me is the perfect job. Dreaming for longer that five minutes is a luxury.

A high school friend forwarded this email of how we all complain and blame other people for driving us to work overseas. I complain but I don’t blame anyone within a 10-meter radius for the crappy government and the crappy candidates and the stupid ads about whitening creams, straight long black hair and miracle creams that claim to make you 10 years younger in a few days. Okay I feel crappy. I have so much hatred in me today. I feel like I’m going nowhere.

Sabi MO, ang gobyerno natin ay palpak.
Sabi MO, ang mga batas natin ay sinauna.
Sabi MO, ang lokal na pamahalaan natin ay hindi maganda ang pagkolekta ng basura at ang paglilinis ng mga lugar.
Sabi MO, hindi gumagana ang mga telepono, katatawanan ang kalagayan ng trapiko, at hindi nakakarating sa paroroonan ang mga sulat.
Sabi MO, parang nasadlak sa basura ang ating buong bansa.
Sabi Mo, sabi MO, sabi MO.

E ano'ng ginagawa MO tungkol dito?

Kumuha ka ng isang taong papunta sa Singapore. Bigyan mo sya ng pangalan, yung sa IYO. Bigyan MO sya ng mukha, yung sa IYO. Lumabas KA sa airport nang pinakamatino mong sarili na maipagmamalaki sa mundo.

Sa Singapore Hindi KA nagtatapon ng upos ng sigarilyo sa kalye. Ipinagmamalaki MO ang magaganda nilang underpass. Nagbabayad KA ng mga 60 pesos para makapagmaneho sa Orchard Road (parang EDSA) mula alas-5 hanggang alas-8 ng gabi. Bumalik KA sa parking lot para bayaran ang parking tiket mo kung napasobra ka ng oras sa shopping o sa pagkain sa isang restaurant. Sa Singapore, wala KAng sinasabi, meron ba?

Hindi MO susubukang kumain sa lantad kapag Ramadan sa Dubai .
Hindi MO susubukang lumabas ng bahay na walang takip ang mukha sa Jeddah.
Hindi MO susubukang lagyan ang isang empleyado ng kumpanya ng telepono sa London para mapunta sa ibang tao ang mga long distance na tawag mo.

Hindi MO susubukang lumampas ng 90 kilometers per hour sa Washington, at saka sasabihin sa pulis "Alam mo kung sino ako?"

Bakit di MO subukang dumura o magtapon ng upos ng sigarilyo o balat ng kendi sa mga kalye sa Tokyo?

Bakit hindi MO subukang bumili ng pekeng mga papeles sa Boston tulad ng ginagawa sa Recto?

Pinag-uusapan pa rin natin IKAW.

IKAW na gumagalang at sumusunod sa patakarang banyaga sa ibang bansa pero hindi makasunod sa sarili mong lugar.

IKAW na tapon ng tapon sa kalye pagtuntong mo pa lang sa lupa.

Kung IKAW ay nakikisalamuha at pumupuri ng systema sa bansang banyaga, bakit hindi KA maging ganyan sa Pilipinas?

Minsan sa isang panayam, ang dating Subic Administrator na si Gordon ay may katwiran ng sinabi nyang "Ang mga aso ng mayayaman ay pinalalakad at
pinadudumi ng may-ari sa kalye, tapos sila mismo ang pumupuna sa may katungkulan sa kapalpakan sa paglilinis ng mga kalye. Ano ang gusto nilang gawin ng mga may katungkulan? Magwalis tuwing makakaramdam ng hindi maganda sa tiyan ang kanilang alaga?"

Sa America, bawat may-ari ng alaga ay dapat maglinis matapos ang pagdumi ng aso. Ganoon din sa Japan.

Gagawin ba ng mga Pilipino yun dito? Tama sya.

Pumupunta tayo sa botohan para pumili ng gobyerno at pagkatapos nuon ay tinatanggal na natin sa sarili ang responsibilidad. Uupo tayo sa isang tabi at paghihintay ng pagkalinga at umaasa na gagawin ng gobyerno ang lahat habang wala tayong iniaalay.

Umaasa tayo sa pamahalaan na maglinis, ngunit hindi naman tayo titigil sa pagtatapon ng basura sa kung saan-saan, at ni hindi tayo pupulot ng anumang piraso ng papel para itapon sa basurahan.

Pagdating sa mga panlipunang talakayin tulad nang hindi pagiging tapat sa kasal, sa mga dalagang ina, sa pagtatalik ng walang basbas ng kasal, at iba pa, maingay tayong nagpoprotesta ngunit patuloy naman nating ginagawa ang mga ito.

Sa sandaling tayo ay mangulila kapag nasa labas tayo ng bansa, naghahanap tayo ng aliw sa iba, kadalasan sa kapwa rin natin Pilipino, na hindi natin iniisip ang
ating katungkulan na ating sinumpaan sa ating pamilya nuong narito pa tayo.

Tapos sinisisi natin ang pamahalaan kapag nakikita natin ang karahasan sa kabataan, pagkagumon sa bawal na gamot, at iba pa, samantalang sinimulan natin
ito sa hindi pagpansin sa pangangailangan ng ating mga anak ng tunay na pag-gabay at responsibilidad ng isang magulang.

Ang sabi natin, "Ang buong sistema ang kailangang magbago. Ano ang magagawa kung ako lang ang magpapabago sa aking pamilya?"

E sino ang magbabago ng sistema?

Ano ba ang mga sankap ng sistema? Napakaginhawa sa atin na ang sistema ay binubuo ng ating mga kapitbahay, mga ibang tahanan, ibang syudad, ibang
komunidad, at ang pamahalaan. Pero hindi kasama IKAW at AKO. Pagdating sa ating pagkakaroon ng positibong handog sa sistema, ikinakandado natin ang sarili, pati na ang ating pamilya sa loob ng isang ligtas na pugad at tumatanaw na lang tayo sa malayong mga lugar at bansa at naghihintay ng isang Mr. Clean na dumating at maghatid na mga himala.

O lumilikas tayo. Parang mga tamad na duwag na hindi pinatatahimik ng ating mga takot, tumatakbo tayo sa Amerika upang makisalo sa kanilang luwalhati at
purihin sa kanilang sistema. Pero pag nagging masalimuot sa New York tatakbo tayo sa Japan o Hongkong. Pag nagkahirapan ang paghanap ng trabaho sa Hong Kong, sakay agad tayo sa susunod na eroplano patungong Gitnang Silangan. Pag may digmaan sa Gulf, inaasahan nating masagip at mapauwi ng Gobyernong
Pilipino.

Lahat ay handang umabuso at gumahasa sa bansa. Walang nag-iisip na handugan ang sistema. Ang konsyensya natin ay nakasanla sa pera. Mga mahal kong kababayan, ang sulating ito ay matinding nakakakislot ng isipan, nangangailangan ng maraming pagmumuni-muni, at tumutusok din sa konsyensya. Medyo inuulit ko lang ayon sa ating salita ang mga salita ni John F. Kennedy sa kanyang kabansa upang maitugma sa ating mga Pilipino:

"Itanong natin kung ano ang magagawa natin sa ating bansang Pilipinas at gawin ang nararapat upang ang Pilipinas ay maging tulad ng Amerika at ibang kanlurang bansa ngayon."

Gawin natin kung ano ang kailangan ng Pilipinas sa atin.

cloudscapes

2007-04-12T02:31:00.000-07:00

Eviction and going home

2007-03-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

I’m being evicted and I have to leave the room I had so lovingly overdecorated for over a year in two months. I love love love that room: it has an access to the house’s rooftop, where I have a thriving garden; I have my own bathroom; and my closet is an entire wall and it has that warm beige and powder blue theme. The bed is spacious and the neighborhood is very nice. Naiiyak ako. But since the owner of the house has to move in with her baby after a year in Japan, I have no choice. Let the apartment hunting begin.

Er, okay, mahirap lang ako. Am still taking my masters (thesis na lang!) and I’m helping renovate the house and I’m saving for a vacay in Coron, Palawan. So ang budget ko lang ay hanggang PhP3,500. Ang hirap namang maging independent!

My brother showed me this alternative route from our house to the city’s one of only two shopping malls. This is still an agricultural province, and no matter how hard the people try to modernize this part of Central Luzon, it’ll still be a place where carabaos and karetelas and farmers with their lunch baskets and bayongs are common sights. During the ride I was amazed at how the sky can turn from pastel blue to violet then orange then red in just a few minutes.

I love observing cloud formations from my room window, it reminds me that life can be this simple. I like watching the sun set from my small space, I get an unobstructed view. I want my life to be like this room with this kind of view—no high-rise buildings, no horns blaring in the background, no smog that blocks the skies.

Joining the brouhaha over 300

2007-03-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

And like every hot-blooded female in Manila, I coerced the boyf to watch 300 with me, para siyempre hindi mahalata that I'm just after the yummy abs and lean legs treat. It was also a visual treat, and although half of the movie is in slow motion, you get that idea that the director doesn't want to veer away from the comic book feel of the story. The color of blood is comic-book red, not the red that you usually see in gory horror movies; the yellow ochre-moss green backdrop of the scenes; and decapitated bodies that don't look as disgusting. Yes, it is a manly man movie, testosterone oozing from King Leonidas (not so much from drag queen Xerxes, with his metallic lipstick, eyeshadow and mile-long eyelashes) and his men. I particularly like Queen Gorgo's response when a Persian ambassador asked Leonidas why she was allowed to speak among men, "Because only Spartan women give birth to real men." Rawr!

And, like any other film that requires a manly man to play a manly man role, American producers sign up Irish, Australian, Scottish or English actors. Oh well.

Happy Women's Day

2007-03-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
—Janis Joplin

I've been lucky to have met a lot of ballsy, courageous women who know what they want. And even if they sometimes don't get what they want, they make do with what they have and still become most women's inspirations.

2007-02-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

I unearthed some of my watercolor paintings from college when I went home to Cabanatuan this weekend. And suddenly, I have a newfound motivation to start painting again. Maybe I'll go back to watercolors. But I'd like to switch to acrylic and water-based paints. Maybe I'll invoke Pollock and Kandinsky and Picasso.

Yes, it sucks

2007-02-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

2007-02-15T01:31:00.000-08:00

2007-02-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

A year ago, I decided I've had enough and wrote this at the back of a Mishima novel.

He's the one you call when you don't have a wedding date, or when you have to attend a dear friend's kid's party and you don't want to look odd without an arm candy or at least any man who would pretend like you were the prettiest girl there.

He takes you home when you're too drunk to even walk out of the bar, honestly tells you you've gained weight without looking apologetic, tells you your eyes are your best assets and you instantly believe without knowing why.

He pushes you beyond your own limitations, cheers you when you've fought hard enough, and encourages you when things aren't going your way.

He's like your brother, but just a little bit better; the one who takes you home after working yourself to death at the office, he buys you ice cream, nonfat, of course, and doesn't care if you soiled his immaculately white hanky.

He shares you passion for books, tolerates the museum visits, even if the sight of a bloody installation disturbs him. He likes nudes though, and Manansala. And halo halo and liempo and

the Beatles.

Then you fall in love with someone else, someone who treats you not as an equal but like a princess. You decide to move on. You decide you won't look back and feel sorry. But somehow, it doesn't feel right when a day passes by without the usual bickering and the exchange of weird ideas with him. It doesn't feel right when you don't get to argue with him or just snigger at each other. Then at the end of the day, when you leave the office, you look back and see him there. Then you wish that someday he finds the one who truly makes him happy.

A girl can have everything she wants, I've learned: a guy friend on a pedestal, someone so near yet so unattainable, and a man who holds your hand and talks of love and you and the future.

Miss World

2007-02-04T04:16:00.000-08:00

Hahaha. Not bad.

You are the World

Completion, Good Reward.

The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.

The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2007-01-31T22:57:00.000-08:00

Shit happens

2007-01-17T23:23:00.000-08:00

In the beginning there was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof",
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this Organization, and in these areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.

The pile of dung became fertilizer that promotes growth. Sometimes we should just see dung as it is.

Here we go

2007-01-16T03:58:00.000-08:00

Nakalimutan ko nang may blog pala ako. My life has turned a full 360 degrees since R. came in my messy, complicated life. We're on our sixth month, ang corny but we celebrate every month, thankful that we can still tolerate the other's own brand of weirdness. Last year was a roller coaster ride --
1. got promoted,
2. went to three mainland China cities and came back unscathed,
3. toured Cebu like mad with crazy college friends
4. decided I want to retire in Dumagete when I visited her for the first time to attend dear Frances' wedding
5. dated and fell in love
6. went to Hong Kong and came back with legs that grew extra varicose veins and sanity in question,
7. was part of the Christmas party committee, which gave one kick-ass party and a fashion show to boot,
8. finally had my cysts remove, thank God both were benign
9. started swimming once a week
10. got my new baby, a Sony Ericsson W710i
11. bought five books (thank you, sister) from Powerbooks in just one visit
12. three fab black skirts
13. went back to school, last two subjects!

And now 2007. It's not even two weeks into the new year when I was informed that I have to transfer to another team. This is sad. Just when everything about my current team seems almost perfect to me.

Sa Hong Kong

2006-10-20T03:03:00.000-07:00

Kunwari artist ako. Hehe.

2006-06-03T05:21:00.000-07:00

Last night while I was queing up at Bread Talk, this little, curly-haired guy came up to me and said, "Miss, maganda ka kaya lang mataba ka."

Oh honey, you are so one of those.

I'm so sick of it.

2006-04-19T02:22:00.000-07:00

A few days after my birthday, I heard Jack White accusing me, calling me mad through a song. Two mugs of café mocha later, I concurred.

The Denial Twist

If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist
If you think holding hands is all in the fingers
Grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and
Make sure to never do it with the singer
'Cause he'll tell everyone in the world

What he was thinking about the girl
Ya, what he's thinking about the girl, oh

A lot of people get confused and they bruise
Real easy when it comes to love
They start putting on their shoes and walking out
And singing "boy, I think I had enough"

Just because she makes a big rumpus
She don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy
Take a tip and do yourself a little service
Take a mountain turn it into a mole

Just by playing a different role
Ya, by playing a different role, oh

The boat ya you know she's rockin' it
And the truth well ya know there's no stoppin' it

The boat ya you know she's still rockin' it
The truth well you know there's no stoppin' it

So what, somebody left you in a rut
And wants to be the one who's in control
But the feeling that you're under can really make you wonder
How the hell she can be so cold

So now you're mad, denying the truth
And it's hidden in the wisdom in the back of your tooth
Ya need ta spit it out, in a telephone booth
While ya call everyone that you know, and ask 'em

Where do you think she goes
Oh ya, where d'ya suppose she goes, oh

The truth well you know there's no stoppin' it
And the boat well ya know she's still rockin' it

The boat ya you know she's still rockin' it
And the truth ya you know there's no stoppin' it

You recognize with your back in the back?
That it's colder when she rocks the boat
But it's the cause hittin on the Cardinal Laws?
'bout the proper place to hang her coat

So to you, the truth is still hidden
And the soul plays the role of a lost little kitten but
You should know that the doctors weren't kiddin?
She's been singing it all along

But you were hearin' a different song
Ya you were hearin' a different song
But you were hearin' a different song

a bang and a whimper

2006-03-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

The brouhaha on 1017 is over and life goes on as GMA in a blue suit waves at the press. What the fuck is she smiling about? Meanwhile, along Makati Ave., a family of Aetas enter a restaurant asking for food; a group of office girls all wearing skirts in every imaginable pastel hue (Stepford-y, as D. calls ‘em) go gaga over last night’s Pinoy Big Brother; and Chinese expats get their after-lunch caffeine fix at the building’s Figaro.

And I go back to the office after a two-hour lunch break.

VDwoes

2006-02-19T02:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't picked up a good book in two months and my social life went straight to the dustbin right after the holidays. It's not the work, I guess. Maybe it's the transition from being the copy ed to someone who actually has to shoulder real resposibility lest she wants to disappoint half the floor. My frustration started when me and me sister started making plans to move to a better apartment closer to Ayala. The plan was ditched for no particular reason other than we were both busy to look for an apartment. Then came Valentines Day, when one of my friends called me February 14, 11:45 pm just to ask if I received any flowers that day. Here's the excerpt of the call from Cruella Maldita

Cruella: Hi! So you received any gift or flowers today?
Me: Nope, not even a blade of talahib. Baket?
C: Awww. Kawawa ka naman. But I thought you're seeing someone.
Me: Apparently, he's as dense as me. Milagro kung magpapadala nga sya ng bulaklak.
C: Kawawa ka naman. Ako binigyan ni boyf ng three dozen roses! O ha! Ang saya di ba?
Me: Bakit, edible ba binigay nya kaya tuwang tuwa ka?
C: Inggit ka lang.

I didn't say anything after that. Maybe I am jealous, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not the conventional girl that would automatically swoon and salivate over a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates. One of the VMs in the assembly line once told me and my lunch mates, If he gives you a book, you should seriously consider his intentions. Only one guy gave me a book. We haven't seen each other for eight months. How does that sound?

Spoil me

2006-02-19T02:08:00.000-08:00

I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself
I've never been so wrong before
You made it impossible for me to ever
Love somebody else
And now I don't know what I left you for

See I thought that I could replace you
He can't love me the way you do
'Till now I never knew
Baby

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no

Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

I've been spoiled yeah yeah

Madwoman

2005-11-04T06:16:00.000-08:00

She thought of going as far away as she could from the place. Everything is just a flurry of faces and unrecognizable voices that everyday feels like Halloween. Staring outside at the glaring Makati skyline, she starts to think what else is beyond the business district’s horizon? Is the sky bluer there? Can she actually breathe easier there and ease the burden of having to prove something to everyone everyday? Or is she just punking herself?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Have I told you about that night she spent with this unbelievably smart/kulit guy? Yeah, apparently, after buying the guy ice cream she nonchalantly asked for 80 percent of his soul as payment. And what do you know, he gave her just the exact percentage; said he can nourish what was left of his soul with Figaro iced mocha. He also asked her not to consume his soul too much because he might need it back, just in case he loses the remaining 20 percent of his soul in the future. And the girl thought she’s had weirder nights.

_______________________________________________________________________________

She’s gone back to smoking. She was in the elevator fidgeting and eager to get her first dose of nicotine at 4:30pm when a bunch of little monsters in their cute costumes boarded with one desperate-looking yaya. After sizing her up for a good ten seconds they wailed their battlecry “trick or treat!” to which she retaliated by flashing her still unopened Marlboro lights. Ahahaha!

______________________________________________________________________________

The girl’s been listening to a lot of Silverchair and Alicia Keys lately. Sticking the damn headphones into her ears before anybody within two feet radius starts humming and singing and talking about a damn report. And the first song in her playlist is about murdering Anna --

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

__________________________________________________________

She just became a Neruda fan after old highschool friend popped out of nowhere last Halloween with leche flan and The Essential Neruda

I don’t love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her.

Another’s kisses on her, like my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes.

I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.
Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long.

Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms,
my soul is not content to have lost her.

Though this is the last pain she will make me suffer,
and these are the last lines I will write for her.

But after a night of drinking Neruda’s words, she decided she still prefers Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Sylvia just summarized her neurosis.

Fridays

2005-10-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

She had no idea how to talk him out of going home early that night. She thought throwing tantrums would do the trick, but then she would look childish and stupid. Imagine a 26-year-old making baby talk to an obnoxious-looking man in front of the Makati Stock Exchange, people would think she’d gone bonkers.

After 30 minutes of not saying a word to each other, she decided to go home and nurse a brooding frustration with three bottles of Red Horse. Pent up emotions would turn into one big utot when suppressed for more than a month, he pointed out before opening the cab door. So if you feel like screaming into his face, please don’t let anything stop you, he continued. You have every right, besides, I don’t think you availed that right when you were still together. Stop being this nice girl who’s perpetual smile can give people diabetes. You’ll end up paranoid and a pushover. You’re not an angel, rose.

I love Friday nights. It’s when you get to see people let their hair down and the masks fall off and you see them without pretensions. You hear them talk about real life, that of outside the office and in their slowly grinding, scheming minds. Come Friday you see them without a care in the world. Then when Monday comes, you feel like you were lobotomized.

_________________________________________

Birthday boy jd forwarded this to the elves last Friday. If I decided to write tagalong romance novels, I’d probably use one of these aliases.

YOUR PORN STAR NAME:
(Name of first pet + Street you live in)
Barbie Manuel (Mahalay!)

My first pet, a turtle, was called Barbie Bonkers.

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:
(Name of your favorite snack food + Grandfather's first name)
Chippy Isidro (Parang starlet)

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME:
(First word you see on your left + Favorite restaurant)
Mozo Max's

EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS:
(Favorite Spice + Last Vacation Spot Visited)
Pepper Escudero

SOCIALITE ALIAS:
(Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied)
Bebang Timog (Parang drug lord)

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo):
(First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)
M.Ra

ICON ALIAS:
(Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen)
Mocha Joy

DETECTIVE ALIAS:
(Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School)
Joey Ecija (Parang bagay na transvestite)

BARFLY ALIAS:
(Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)
Vcut Baileys

SOAP OPERA ALIAS:
(Middle Name + First Word you see on your Right)
Eugenio Pradeep

ROCK STAR ALIAS:
(Favorite Candy/Dessert + Last Name Of Favorite Musician)
Blueberry Cheesecake Stone

lights

2005-09-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

If there are two words to define the last two weeks of my life, it would be ciggies and coffee. Two of the most evil things, as my grandaunt said, that you can do to your body. Hell, I’d say those two kept me going until 10 in the evening. I don’t know why I get hyped up during the rainy season. It’s like my soul feeds on everything gloomy and dark.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Light came to her by the end of the day when her son comes to fetch her from a designated corner every five o’clock in the afternoon. She struggles through life begging, struggles so hard, I think, that it’s enough for her son and his family of five to eat one full meal a day.

Her eyes squinted as the sun washes the Pasig River with a tarnished shade of gray. Her legs hurt less today. Huge worm-like veins crawl up her sun-burnt thighs begin to throb as she tries rub them with a manghihilot’s concoction of Good Friday oil, dried palm leaves and ipil-ipil seeds.

splash

2005-09-03T03:55:00.000-07:00

Every muscle in my body is screaming, “ We’re in pain you idiot!” It took them three days to feel that. I was wondering if alcohol has anything to do with my now stiff burning muscles.

I finally found a decent pool at a nearby YMCA where I can swim like a lunatic. While I struggled to finish a ton of profiles and half a ton of industry news, my mind was already at the bottom of the pool. At exactly 4:30pm I found myself steering to the elevator along with a bunch of officemates who hate overtime. They stared at me like I have scales and moss all over my jacket. I wanted to snigger, Ha! I have a life too you suckers! But the nice girl in me prevailed – I kept my eyes on the elevator door and pretended I'm autistic.

At 5:15 I was in my new nothing but water suit. Imagine my relief when there’s no one in the pool that afternoon. Yup, jumped right in. No warm ups, no stretching. I was that greedy. Yay1 The pool to myself! I lasted about 25 laps in an hour. I felt good. Real good.

If JD got white roses last Friday from boyf. I got a bottle of Bailey’s and a box of chocolates from KT, who’s back from Hawaii and almost got busted due to overspeeding along South Expressway.

2005-08-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

A mermaid?!! Damn, I always wanted to be a vampire.
So this explains why my morning song's "Part of Your World"
Plus someone called me Arielle when he heard me singing. It was a sarcastic remark of course.

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.

Mermaid

75%

Angel

75%

Faerie

50%

WereWolf

25%

Demon

25%

Dragon

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

Still life

2005-08-19T05:21:00.000-07:00

My nights are spent listening to Eddie Vedder and his poetry, and reading a loaned book from Mel “Still Life with Woodpecker” by Tom Robbins. Fifty pages into the book and the man challenged every truth I believed about people falling in love and people trying to fit in the society. The main characters are the antitheses of Romeo and Juliet; their logic does not fit into the conventions of society. I especially love the scenes where Princess Leigh-Cheri asks Woodpecker, her lover, outrageous questions, which he answers with wit and sarcasm it was poetry. Now that’s love. When you’re with someone whose philosophy you can’t understand but still makes you laugh and, most importantly, allows you criticize yourself and question society. I’ve met men who can easily make me laugh. I met only one man who challenged me and made me consider a lot of things that I thought were safe, normal and secured.

I haven’t finished reading the book but I think I will this weekend.

tragic rainy days

2005-08-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Finally. Factory prohibited visiting sites not approved by some people and so the jar was left stinking with a month-old stale story.

I’ve realized I’ve been putting off a lot of things because of work when I spent one rainy afternoon inside my room with the TV off and the lights on. Lately the room’s just sleeping quarters. I forgot that’s where I paint and read and write and plot to snatch someone’s heart and pulverize it and keep the remains in my purse. The room’s been my little home away from home. Lately it’s just a repository of half-done watercolors, borrowed books still unread and unopened letters from kt, who went to Hawaii and wrote me longhand instead of letting me know how miserable he is through an e-mail. It was sad and I could’ve written a poem out of it. But I felt any creativity left in me is gone. Tragic.

_________________________________________________________________________________

What is it about Johnny Depp and the missing men in my life? Every time I watch a Johnny Depp movie in a cinema (watching on DVD does not count) someone I haven’t seen in years just comes crashing back in my already inconsistent life. Three days after watching “Pirates of the Caribbean” long lost almost-boyfriend saw me in Baclaran. After a few dates, all of them in Shangri-la, it went kaput.
“Finding Neverland” a week later was the lawyer who turned out to be an asshole. And now “Willy Wonka” mrvn called to invite me to his Caleruega wedding. I just ate three 100g black Toblerones. Tragic.

____________________________________________________________________________________

He retorted, “Well, how come you’re still working here if you think it’s stupid?” Aray ko. I swear I tried to scowl at him, but something inside me whimpered. I don’t know. Does that mean I don’t have the guts anymore? I’ve lost the passion to chase my own dreams? I was temped to ask him that but I’m afraid I’ll hear an honest answer. Funny that I-don’t-know thing. Every time I answer him with I don’t know, he turns into a mean matandang tiyahin mode and shrieks, “What do you mean you don’t know?” I’ll miss that.

Cranky and the nano man

2005-07-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Been feeling a bit cranky lately. Waking up 30 minutes before the company's guard wields his green highlight pen and calling me tardy. Gulping, not sipping, coffee. Having a third mug before lunch and breaking my birthday resolution not to hold a stick of cigarette again. So much for turning over a new leaf, huh?

When my sister and I had coffee last Wednesday, she was alarmed our discussion was peppered with cusses and curses. I don’t know where that came from. I’m a peaceful, mild-mannered individual. Maybe it’s just one of those weeks when the mood is as erratic and inconsistent as the weather. Or maybe I’m getting old.

Date with nano man happened too soon when he phoned me Saturday night and asked me to watch HBO Saturday Night movie with him. O-kay, I guess. We’re supposed to have dinner on Sunday. He’s a charming person. He just finished MS in Nanotechnology or something at University of Texas and he’s now here waiting for an appointment from the UP. And he can drive you home after drinking more than two dozens of San Mig Lights. Yup. That’s m’boy! It was during the movie (Chasing Liberty) that I thought of an episode in “Will and Grace” wherein Will was dating this cute cop. When Karen and Jack met him, they asked, “So have you introduced him to Grace yet?” Will goes, “Um, not yet.” Karen: “Oh honey, how are you gonna know you like him?”

I don’t think think nano man can stand that kind of scrutiny. He’s a doctor now.

Stinks in here

2005-07-15T06:02:00.000-07:00

This one really stinks. A cash coupon fell from one of the rallyists during the July 13 Ayala demostration. The coupon has Makati City's seal and the name and office address of the person who's supposed to give the cash. Is the mayor this stupid or just plain careless? Did the administration decide to play the all-too-familiar game? Are we this stupid? Oh, yeah, we put imbeciles in public office.

Tic-tac

2005-07-12T04:18:00.000-07:00

Can’t believe officemates Nina and Melanie have teenage kids. I can hear my biological clock howling. Awoooooooooo!!!!

-----

"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the human heart can hold," Zelda Fitzgerald said. I'd like to give it a shot.

The last time we spoke you held me/not with those trembling eyes but/ with a gaze like that of a fleeting/ whisper that comes close to being/ forgotten. A tear, I imagined fell/ right on the cheek where you last touched. Parting was/ always the unspent afternoons/ incomplete rituals/ a spindle cut before reaching you.

Note to meself: Uhm, wag na, baka mapahiya ka lang pag itinuloy mo yan.

it goes on

2005-07-08T02:52:00.000-07:00

Going on

Deafening truths and blasts that last until your waking hour is enough reason to curl up and stay in fetal position to avoid the world outside. But then the sun warms up your cheeks, enough to burn wishful dreams and then you drag your ass to the bathroom to loll and stare at the mirror for a good five minutes. Water’s ice cold, but not enough to freeze uncertainties and wash away yesterday’s stress. Dressing up without mirror entails a lot of risk but you manage to survive. In place of a mirror, the wall was crowded with photos, doodles, Irving Penn and Georgia O’Keefe prints, pictures of Palawan and Sagada, and a copy of De Vera’s Isla del Fuego and Sylvia Plath’s odes to madness. It is a culmination of the kind of life you wanted but cannot have.

Outside is a miasma of reality: jeepneys screeching to a halt in the middle of the road; toddlers crawling their way to their sleeping mother’s blanket at the side of a bangketa; paying PhP7.50 to a scowling driver who forgets to give the change; and seeing your workstation - the abstraction of insanity.

If I am defined by my workstation, I’d probably be branded as a scorn, obsessed and possessed woman. I have a green doll, a frog in a tutu. I named her Bakekang, which was my pet name in school. The prettiest, richest girl in class gave me that name, said I looked like a frog. It stuck. I wanted to stick her ass on a frying fan.

This is the end of a week that started on a slow tempo dragging the hands to type, write and hold on. Another week passed by and I feel my perspective becoming murky, as if it’s a pond and I’m buried in it, gasping. But then outside this concrete block populated by the slaves of economics, I still see people smiling, waving, living life like it was not scorching, like reality is not a gaping hole threatening to swallow our soul and spit it out without dignity.

-------

can't believe i wrote this while drunk,

Malamig ang kahapong
Nakasulat sa hangin
Kasing tigang ng
Paalam mo sa akin

2005-06-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.

The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!

Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...

You'll love living in the most chic place on earth

What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

More proof that I have take French classes again.
Finally saw Batman Begins last night. Was alone but I saw Marshall in leather jacket walking straight to the front row. It wasn't as dark as I expected. They should've ditched Katie Holmes for Kate Beckinsale, and Gary Oldman for William H. Macy. Bale is sooo buff!!

2005-06-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

My Friday passed by and I can only remember blurry faces and strange voices of the people in conference room B. I guess that’s what happens when you’re surrounded by three men talking statistics and sales targets for the first half of 2006. Heck, I don’t even know where I’ll be in November, much less next year. Down goes a sheer curtain inside my head to keep unwanted noise from becoming a blaring LSS inside my head. Good thing the curtain was sheer enough to hear “Lunch!”

The future ambassador to France called. He wants to have dinner. Sige, I’ll wear my work clothes. I really hope he’ll be so embarrassed that he’ll never talk to me again. He’s just too nice. I can’t handle nice.

buried

2005-06-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

My friends do the stupidest things after 9pm and I still love them. I once came home to a roommate who sat in a corner of the dorm room for about three hours drinking a warm beer using a straw and crying herself to a state of madness while listening to Guns'n Roses. Once my blocmate called me around 3am from an estero at Los Baños crossing. I found him sleeping there and had to drag him home with the help of a tricycle driver. I thought nothing can surprise me anymore. Last night psuedobf KT asked me to meet him in a mall because he had something to give me. I found him near the church, guzzling a bottle of Cerveza Negra and making a scene.

I was about to neglect all psuedogf resposibilities and forget he ever existed when he spotted me and called me Lily, the name I used when I was in college doing three stage plays because there are four 'Rose' in the production. He stood up and held on to me while convincing security that I can take him home. We sat at a cafe
and he pulled out a piece of paper and read me a poem by Matthew Arnold. I have to restrain myself from killing him for about fifteen seconds when I noticed he was crying. He's leaving on the 26th to live with his mother and stepsisters in Hawaii. Great. Now it's my turn to cry.

An excerpt from Matthew Arnold's Buried Life

But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
And many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas! none ever mines.
And we have been on many thousand lines,
And we have shown, on each, spirit and power;
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves--
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on for ever unexpress'd.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well--but 't is not true!
And then we will no more be rack'd
With inward striving, and demand

He gave me a new copy of Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar.

2005-06-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

I was dreaming of Fete de la Musique last Saturday, while the dentist drilled my molars and pumped anesthesia for about two hours. I was in a drugged state for a good six hours and was able to finish three watercolor stills. The tulips looked like mutant carnivores. My feet looked like worn tires, the ones people burn during rallies. The unmade bed is a battle field.

2005-06-16T01:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks Jason

Three names you go by:
1. Osang
2. RR (thanks very much to Nosfer. Ngggr!!)
3. Oz (I feel like an orc)

Three screen names you have had:
1. Stella
2. Ayi
3. Ruthie (they said my mother used to chomp Baby Ruth bars when she was carrying me)

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. big, puffy cheeks
2. unruly, curly hair (bride of Frankenstein!!)
3. my hands, they don't have a lot of ugly veins or warts, i'm that thankful

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. Big, heavy upper arms that forever condemned to to avoid sleeveless shirt
2. Eye bags, ever after a 24-hour sleep, it ain’t getting anywhere honey
3. My feet. A farmer’s feet, my mother said, the one that could dig up a hole to put a bunch of onions in it. It’s wide and it got a web of veins in it. Panget talaga.

Three things that scare you:
1. slimy things
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
3. Blood, especially if it came from other people

Three of your daily essentials:
1. Coffee
2. Moisturizer
3. Black chocolate

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. A scowl
2. Green Bayo shirt
3. Five-year old Levi’s

Three of your favorite bands and musical artists:
1. Joss Stone
2. Pearl Jam
3. Ray Charles

Three of your favorite songs:
1. Waiting in Vain
Man, Bob Marley will forever capture that pent up angst/longing of the common individual
2. I Will Survive
Yes, there are some bading genes in me.
3. Spoiled, Joss Stone

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Seeing the other not as a necessity in the adult life but as a gift to be treasured
2. Independence, from the things you want/need to do alone to the decisions that will only affect one party
3. Mushy poems and long letters, not misspelled grammatically incorrect quotes sent through SMS

Two truths and one lie (in no particular order):
1. Dated a guy four years my junior
2. I punched five men in eight months, kicked one in the crotch
3. Dated a 30-year old single father

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1. Shoulders
2. Lips
3. Eyes

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Read works by Asian writers
2. Paint
3. Watch mushy Hollywood films

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. Drink coffee, I’m reducing my dosage to a cup a day
2. Go to the back and feel the sand between my toes
3. Dental surgery

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Interior designer
2. Lawyer
3. Teacher, seriously

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Batanes
2. Easter Island
3. Nepal

Three kids' names you like:
1. Laila
2. Juddah
3. Seppi

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Treat my family to a week-long vacation at the Pearl Farm in Davao
2. See Marv and demand an apology
3. Publish a collection of short stories and poems

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I get violent when a a friend/companion is harassed
2. I used to wear my hair short.
3. I play basketball and billiards

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I have seven bottles of perfume. Unused, but still
2. I’m actually good at haggling
3. Bungangera

Three celeb crushes:
1. Ashton Kutcher
2. Michael Vartan
3. Rodrigo Santoro (Love, Actually)

I’m in an Ellison overdrive since last night. Marco the aspiring chef surprised me with a belated birthday gift that catapulted my sentiments for him from utter disgust to I-could-kiss-you-right-now feeling. He just gave me The Essential Ellison, a collection of Harlan Ellison’s finest short stories. The gesture, albeit mushy and so corny, almost brought me to tears. It was one of the best gifts I received ever. Ellison catches the darkness of the human soul, wraps it in an overlapping metaphors and imagery and decorates with vivid words, as if the character if speaking to you. It’s eerie and it’s beautiful.

Fancy a lit review?
I had a weird dream after I read “Punky & the Yale Boys”

2005-06-15T02:37:00.000-07:00

I wish my mother will stop blaming herself for everything bad that’s happened to us. Bad decisions are bad judgements made at the wrong time. Sometimes, it is not about her, it’s about me treading the unknown, coming out bruised and scarred but braver and wiser nevertheless.

Children
From The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

2005-06-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

Photos of fetuses and newborn cadavers served on dinner tables or cut in half were sent to the factory email loop by a newbie. It was so sick I almost puked but ended up drinking three glasses of water in the pantry instead. I emailed the people in the loop with

What the hell is wrong with her!!??
This is just disgusting

Bartolome sent me an email with

You sure it's something wrong with her and not something wrong with you?

Oh yeah sure. I’m a psycho bitch.

3.56am, june 11

2005-06-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

1.
take it in
slowly, then out
of your system
be sure not to leave
any trace, memory
splinters, emotions
down with the
flickered ash
sighs, stinking
like the thoughts
down the dark
dark sewer

2.
don't push it
it won't come off
let go or leave silently
don't fight it
just let it stay
while you glare
curse and spat.
it won't come off.
stuck while you
try so damn hard
to get tired

Summer solstice

2005-06-09T04:10:00.000-07:00

This is sad. June is always the saddest month, its when you see yourself in limbo halfway through the year, unfulfilled, not contented with the kind of life you had during the first six months. It’s the season when humid summer air burrows deep into those nicotine-filled lung on a rainy Friday afternoon. It’s when you try to reconcile with reality that things are not supposed to bend to your will, prayers will always be left unanswered and resolutions will always be, well, resolutions. I sure hope I’m just in one of my worst PMS days because I’m slowly getting used to being a gloomy, lifeless, humorless shithead.

Or maybe it's just summer solstice. The time when most women I know have this incessant urge to sing, laugh, cry and pour their hearts out in front of complete strangers for no apparent reason.

Currystrumpet’s leaving tomorrow. Aw, one of the most colorful people on the floor. The one who I think could’ve made Zuma cry (or shriek with anger) if she tried harder, is on her way to becoming whatever she wanted to be. Goodluck, CP chick.

Nicolasa is finally getting her post-graduate degree after a summer of wallowing and having nothing but coffee and ciggies for sustenance. Wow, Nicola, MS in Applied Physics! Henyo ka talaga!

TJ called.

Gah!

it's this complicated

2005-06-08T03:23:00.000-07:00

D sent a list of Sex and the City-inspired quotes for singletons and confused/attached woemen. Ten of those quotes remind of me and my friends’ misadventures with the men who slid/swept/stormed/escaped/survived/drove/crawaled/begged past our grip. Lucky them.

9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

11. Don't settle.
As some kick-ass lady says, " I ain’t settling for Mr. Right Now. Nuh-uh.

17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
Classic bullshit line: It’s not you, it’s me.

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
Pucker up, gurl!

22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

23. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
Well, unless you’re in stalker mode and want to scare him off after dropping you like that. =)

33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!

37. Never let a man define who you are.

44. Love is a verb ... It’s an action verb, to be exact. It’s not the adjective of what your expectations are

69. When it's time to let go; let go.
Ayaww!
___________________________________________

I was about to complete this poem when the damn fire drill started.

Blueberry cheesecake

fulfillment becomes
at the tip of the tongue
taking in the sweetness
letting it linger
until the cold sting
settles in and tickles

toppings should stay
as the last to be devoured
when the last piece
becomes just another aftertaste

Bits

2005-06-07T02:15:00.000-07:00

"God must really love crazy people"
"Why?"
"Because there’s so many of you."

________________________________________________________________

The last time we spoke, you held me, not with those trembling eyes but with a gaze like that of a fleeting whisper that comes dangerously close to being forgotten. A tear, I imagined, fell right on the cheek where I last touched. Parting was always this ache that pushes us to the edge. It was the unspent afternoons, the incomplete rituals, a spindle cut before reaching you.

12 stages of grief

2005-06-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Last June 2 was mother bear’s 54th birthday. As I kissed her forehead, I noticed laugh lines and worry lines becoming more prominent. She stopped dyeing her hair black. She stoops a little, one of the effects of ortheoarthritis. She wants me to come home.

Last June 2 was also my grandmother’s 6th death anniversary. I miss her quips, her snides and frank remarks on my then-almost boyfriend’s chinky eyes. "Bah! Matang-hito! (Catfish-like eyes). Papaiyakin ka lang nyan! (He’ll just make you cry)," she said, right in front of TAB. I miss her halaya and ginataang munggo. I miss her lagundi tea and rough, calloused hand stroking my hand when I got my first 4.0.

12 stages of grief
1. Runny nose and migraine since Friday
2. Root canal, four sessions to go. My gums are killing me
3. Burned my favorite black shirt
4. Brilliant IS guys blaming me for yet another intranet booboo which happened yesterday when I took a sick leave!
5. Running into the very-much pregnant high school friend, Melanie, who enveloped me with a bear-like hug and regaled me with happy, pampered housewife tales. Then something hit me. I’m envious of her. That Saturday afternoon, I’ve never felt more alone.
6. Mrs. V buried last Thursday and I wasn’t there to say goodbye
7. Unread books piling up, while thinking of buying two new Murakami books
8. Savings nearing critical level
9. Meeting TJ and catching up with the latest tsismis in our side of the province. Hearing him gush about J, whom he’s been dating for months. I set them up two years ago. Me, the ambitious matchmaker, only to regret it big time. As I was listening to him, I can feel my heart sliding down the floor. It came both as a shock and wonder –I was that stupid and he was that numb.
10. TJ taking me home and saying his classic line: Why don’t you just come home?
11. Me: (Coiling for an attack) Stop telling me what to do. I never asked you to do anything for me.
12. TJ: Well, I went out with J. didn’t I?

Mrs. V

2005-05-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

I promised to visit her last Saturday at the local community hospital, but she checked out the week before and I wasn’t able to hold her hand and thank her for bringing NVM Gonzales and Nick Joaquin into my life. She passed away this morning.

Mrs. V was one of those formidable public school English teachers that drive you nuts with grammar and literature. She told recycled jokes; jokes that every student in the school knows, but she never fails to tell it with fervor. She was my siblings’ teacher. She taught English and Journalism to countless siblings and cousins and neighbors. She was part of a lot of clueless adolescents’ public school adventure.

And like any other schoolteacher, she married in her late-30s and had one daughter. I was in second year high school then when her daughter died of heart complications. A once plump, lively teacher became this thin, morose woman and she was never the same again. I was a restless teenager then, and I paid no attention to her, or to any other teacher’s plight, but over the years I saw how lonely she was and how terrible she must have felt growing old alone.

feeling manilow

2005-05-30T03:29:00.000-07:00

Kahapon ko pa gustong marinig si Barry Manilow. Ewan ko ba. Uminit tuloy ang ulo ko nung hinahanap ko ang bagong boarding house ng kapatid ko. At napagastos sa isang pink na blouse at isang pink na palda na di ko alam kung kasya sa akin at kung may okasyon para sa ganung klaseng damit. May nakita akong CDs sa bahay, pero walang Barry.

What could God be telling me?

Bus ride in a bleak afternoon

2005-05-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

I remember sitting beside an old woman who smells of betel nut (nganga) and Johnsons baby powder. I just visited my sister in Diliman and decided to kill time by taking the bus to Pasong Tamo in Makati. She was friendly and offered me a pandesal from her unkempt bag that looks like it's ready to retire. I was not in the mood to strike up a conversation so I just nodded once in a while and act as if I'm really interested. Then she showed me a graduation picture of her son, a quite goodlooking son, who she said was about my age and left the province to look for a job in Manila. It's been five years and she never heard a word from him, didn't even know if he's alive. She came here in Manila two years ago to look for him. I pity her. She looks so old to travel alone, live alone without anyone to take care of her. I asked her if she lives with a relative. A brother, she said, lets her rent a room in his house. Renting a room to his own sister! I was outraged that people could do that to their families. I asked if she doesn't want to go back to the province. Not without my son, she said. I thought about her for weeks, then forgot all about her until this morning, when I saw her begging in Cubao.

Losing it

2005-05-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

The toxicity level in my brain must have hit overdrive last night when I saw KT. I almost bumped into him while cruising along Art Walk in Megamall while waiting for dinner date Santi and Emma to make an appearance. I think I stared at him for a good 15 seconds because he had this bewildered look on his face. He finally said hello and asked if we could indulge in one of Cheesecake etc’s sinful cakes. Why yes, I said, I don’t mind if the stuff goes right to my hips. Great, he said, flashing that diabetes-inducing smile that always works better that his lousy pick-up and come hither lines. And besides, the two are suckers for dramatic entrances.

We talked about his new passion, black and white photography, and his new dog, Alexi, named after a model or something, the same girl he was salivating for more than 48 hours. It was going on well, his monologues about how he is living his life, then he asked the one question I’ve been avoiding: So how are you? Imagine me, caught unguarded, brain filled with too much sugar and caffeine. I whined, ranted, complained about my life, the confusion, the merry-go-round scenes at the office, the floating status in the love department, the growing OC-ness of me having to clean my electric fan and my closet every other day, that I can’t finish reading Atonement. After my speech, he looked as if he was hit by an asteroid. All he said was, You’re losing it, girl. Kissed me on the forehead, nodded towards Santi and Emma. I felt better all of a sudden, as I see him walking away. If only he can take half my insanity with him. Then I remember, he’s half sane most of the time.

1:25AM

2005-05-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

Reading the lines beneath
your twisted little mouth
gives me sugar rush
i feel like running
and emptying my lungs
with repressed howls

Time ran out on me
until I'm five painful
steps away from you

Seizures are better
than the way you clasp
my mouth hoping
death would rush me in

2005-05-19T03:41:00.000-07:00

Mama called, she asked if I prepared the things I would need for the trip. But out of the 21 items on the list, I would need only 3 of them: wallet, sandals and my trusty Swiss knife. God knows how far Turtle Island is from civilization.

More tales from mother

Our neighbor’s pet goat escaped its cage this morning, completely plowing my father’s petchay and eggplant garden. Good. No more pakbet for at least three weeks. A pet goat eating petchay? Hhmmm. Strange times.

Another high school classmate is getting married this month.
Ma: Tingnan mo, lahat sila nag-aasawa na. Anak, wala ka pa bang boypren?
Me: (Tearing a roll of tissue from the locker) Hmp! Buntis lang si *****. Kayo naman, parang di na nasanay. Nauuna ang birthday ng panganay kaysa first wedding anniversary.
Ma: Wala ka pa bang boypren, ha anak?
Me: (Staring at Detail’s cover boy, The Rock) Ma, actually lesbiana po ako.
Ma: (Click!)
Me: Uh-oh.

2005-05-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

7:06AM

Since I forgot to eat last night (I can’t, not with Marco in sight, who used to call me tabatsoy in college, but that’s another story) I’m eating this 31.3g choco chip muesli bar. So damn chewy I swear it could dislodge my jaw. I’m still reeling in from D’s resignation. It came as a shock and I don’t know how to appropriately express my sadness.

2005-05-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

I feel every bone and flesh in my body agonizing over this so-called quarter-life crisis. I used to laugh it off, telling anybody who would care to listen that it’s just a pop psychology chutzpah. I was wrong. So damn wrong.

We went to the Pahiyas festival after catching the last full show of The Interpreter. After the guards shooed us away from the back of the theater, we decided to have a siopao and siomai binge in the nearby Seven-Eleven, where we ate until 2:30 in the morning. The five of us squeezed into a friend’s battered 1995 Toyota Corolla after downing three beers each and drove for five hours to Lucban, Quezon. We spent all Sunday walking, eating, taking pictures, eating, drinking, eating, taking pictures and whatnots, pretty much confident that we’d still have the energy to weed out the piling paper work on Monday.

Well, guess what. I have a cold. I locked my spare keys in my room, forgot to take out the trash. I have to edit my work thrice to make sure it is readable. Age is taking its toll. I have to bounce back to the gym.

Signs you're getting old
1. You prefer comfy flats over mile-high stilettos
2. You now listen to Nina instead of Liz Phair
3. You cringe at the sight of Mark and Jenny or Sandara and Hero. You prefer Sheryl and Romnick. Hahaha.
4. You can sit through Larry King Live without falling asleep
5. The mating habits of beavers in The Animal Channel no longer interests you
6. You still have a on crush on Johnny Depp and Keanu Reeves (okay so they’re 40, but do they look their age?)
7. You’re the only one who doesn’t have a curfew. Your friends have to go home before 9 PM, to their husbands.
8. You're happy Mariah Carrey is getting back on track
9. You're still holding on to your Pearl Jam double CD while the brother howls with Audioslave

This is so sad.

2005-05-12T04:14:00.000-07:00

inspired by Jason, who doesn't even know this blog exists. Hehe.

1. TWO NAMES YOU GO BY:
Rosa, Osang

2. TWO THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
fat butt, perpetually hanging fat beneath my arms

4. TWO THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
dirty policemen, good-looking politicians

5. TWO THINGS U NEED EVERYDAY:
my bag that can carry half my room’s contents, money

6. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS:
Rob Thomas (even though everyone says he’s disapponting)
Tori Amos (she never fails to bring out the poetic in me)

7. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
Sleeps like Butterflies (Are you having regrets about last night? Hahahahaha. It’s so me every morning after)
Waiting in Vain (Bob Marley crooning)

8. TWO PERSONS YOU SPEND TIME WITH THE MOST:
My sister and assembly line friend D

10. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
Read and paint

11. TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO REALLY BUY RIGHT NOW:
Levi's jeans and a Yukio Mishima book

12. TWO CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
Teaching and freelance writing

13. TWO PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
Batanes and Palawan

14. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE PERSONS:
My college roomie J, for being the craziest, funniest most honest person and my mother

15. TWO THINGS YOU DID YESTERDAY:
Watched CSI while eating a bowl of cereals

16.TWO PERSONS THAT YOU MISS A LOT?
TJ and roommate J

17. TWO FOODS THAT YOU'RE CRAVING TO EAT?
Black chocolate and KFC salad

18. TWO FAVORITE SUBJECTS IN HS/COLLEGE:
English and Theater

19. TWO OF YOUR FUNNIEST MEMORIES IN HIGH SCHOOL?
- falling into a ditch during one of those typhoons,
- screaming at my teacher ( I forgot why)

20. TWO PERSONS THAT COME TO YOUR MIND NOW?
TJ and Johnny Depp

21. TWO ELEMENTARY FRIENDS YOU LIKE TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
Gerardo, the school nerd who passed the PSHS exam, am just curious what happened to him
Gerald, the only boy who gave his sandwich when I had no baon

22. TWO COLORS YOU LIKE?
Blue and black

23. TWO HIGHSCHOOL FRIENDS YOU WANT TO TALK TO?
Irene (who recently passed the bar. Hurrah!) and Hasel